Of Bad Days

How do you get through a series of bad days?

“You just get through it.”f

WARNING

Let me tell you this:

A person has his/her limits.

Let me just remind you:

I am not a sponge.

Please etch this inside your head:

My patience can only go so far. This is a warning. My last warning. 

 

 

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Little Monsters from High School

Yesterday, my friend and I were talking about high school and who we were back then. At first. we were talking about how geeky and anti-social we were and then after sometime other memories surfaced and it felt really weird.

Friend: They were my lunch friends. The ones I’d go with during lunch.

Me: So what’s the worst thing you’ve heard about you back in high school?

Friend: I don’t know. But I think it all started when I was born. Haha.

Me: Well, as for myself, I got fat, ugly and the worst of them all

“Hindi niya kamukha mga kapatid niya. Siya pinaka-panget.”

Friend: Sorry to hear that Pao.

Me: It’s weird you know. I mean the people who know me now think I am so confident and all. But really, I’m that awkward. I was the fat kid. Hahaha.

Me: And I also remember hearing my former crush tell his seatmate “Feeling naman niya (referring to me) may magkakagusto sa kanya. Ang panget niya kaya.”

 

Okay enough about that. Haha.

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Up for the Big C

Today is a special day for me because I am officially taking on new projects. I am up for this challenge. I am made for this.

Just wanted to share with you some photos I took while researching/brainstorming.

 

My Asus K45V 

Taken with my iPhone 4. Leme Leme Cam. Random.

I love clutter. I think I cannot work well when everything’s in order.

Look at all the wires.

Taken with my iPhone 4. Leme Leme Cam. Random.

Brainstorming blues.

Taken with my iPhone 4. Instagram. Blur. 

Here we go.

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Random Writing Exercise

1.) I am scared that I enjoy working at night way too much.

2.) Talking to your best friend is one of the best things in the world.

3.) People just magically appear in front of your house. I mean literally.

4.) I would like some burger and fries and milk tea now.

5.) “Don’t go all Rage Against the Machine on me.” See what I did there.

6.) To watch or not to watch Fight Club now (while working)? Now that is a question.

7.) As per Chuck Klosterman in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs (and if I wrote it down correctly)

“Every relationship is fundamentally a power struggle, and the individual in power is whoever likes the other person less.” 

8.) I am currently in love with infographics.

9.) Photo trip soon, anyone?

10.) This will be a regular thing. This writing exercise I mean.

 

Listening to: Rage Against the Machine – Bullet in Your Head

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Expectations vs Reality and Why My Memory Doesn’t Serve Me Right

The Simple Truth: We will grow out of our old selves.

That’s just the way it is. Whether I like it or not, the Pao today won’t be the Pao tomorrow. For those who know me personally, they know that I give high value to self-improvement. Motivated people motivate me to become better everyday. Strong people make me stronger. I will always be in love with passionate people.

My Personal Realization: I will not wait for people to grow up. 

Up to a certain point, you will realize that it is not your responsibility to teach people about motivation and passion. After all, these are things we will learn on our own. Since we live different lives, some people are lucky to have found their passion earlier than others. For some, they spend their whole lives looking for it but die without finding whatever it was that they were looking for.

My Expectations vs The Reality of it All: I cannot trust my memory. It doesn’t serve me right.

I have been trying to form images of all things good and beautiful inside my head because I am a positive person. I actually learned to be positive, mind you. I always try to see the good in the bad (as people would say and often comment about) but I admit there are times when I think and admit to myself that I maybe wrong. I do not have a hold on certain things. I can only hope. I can only expect things to happen which may never will. My point is, I am done with my memory telling me that things will turn out the way I hoped it would be. Life isn’t like that.

I will never meet Edward Norton. I may never participate in an actual Fight Club (even if I want to, where do I find these people? They shouldn’t be talking.) Milan Kundera is not my soulmate (even if I always thought he talked to me in his novels). Murakami will not accept me as his bestfriend. He will think that I am clingy (a first for me) and pathetic (because I would tell him that he used a part of my life in one of his stories). I am not crazy, this you should believe. I have accepted the fact that I am never going to be any of the things I mentioned above.

I have to stop relying on memories. I end up thinking that my life is a novel and every song ever written was for me.

Sweeping Declaration: Memories serve their purpose. Starting today, I will enjoy my Life. No more dreaming of the past. No more clinging to the memory. 

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I gave in to TEMPTATION.

So yesterday I went to Book Sale to check out their new stock of books. I was about to leave when I saw this book about to fall off the shelf when I grabbed it only to find out that it’s a graphic novel about Fritz Lang’s M.
Hella insane. I gave in.


M cover. By Jon J. Muth. So hauntingly beautiful. 


Watercolor love.


And this. INTENSE. 

For P325, I don’t care if I skip two meals. You know that feeling of finding something good/beautiful from all the clutter of life? This is one of those moments.

Follow me on Instagram: @paolabalugay

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Good morning kids.

I think it’s way too early to talk to me about poetic memory. And if you must insist, I should tell you that it is never good to talk about it because it is a private space (and I mean physically and mentally and spiritually) where no one can invade. I cannot even begin to make myself think about poetic(s) and memory (as I mentioned, I deem unreliable)

All I am saying is, have a good morning.

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On Choices and the 3 P’s

I was never really a fan of the Church. I think that statement says it all. I don’t patronize people/institutions who do not know how to Live (at least in my perception of how living is supposed to be) and more than that I dislike the idea of being told that I am wrong because the Bible said so. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Bible. It’s a piece of literature that actually speaks about the rise and fall of man and what we can learn from it. What I am against is how people use it as an excuse to bully, to make other people feel inferior. More than that, I abhor the fact that they use the Bible to make people feel guilty about something they do not even understand and do it so well!

There was a time in my life when I called myself an Atheist. It’s really ironic because how can one be an Atheist without acknowledging that there is a God. There must be a concept of God first before we can fight the idea that there isn’t. Looking back, maybe I was just mad at what I heard during mass. I felt alienated at my own Church and I’ve always felt that I wasn’t welcome because I am different. People look at you the way they would look at a thief or a murderer and even they deserve to be in the presence of God. Now that I think about it, I didn’t hate God. I hated the people who preached about God because they didn’t know the essence of what God actually wants to tell us.

I’m re-reading Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz and I remember him saying that his first image of God the Father was his own father. And that if God was in fact the same as his father, then God would be drinking beer all night only to leave them the next day without saying a word. I guess just like Donald, we all had our fair share of God’s images. Because in truth, who has seen God in flesh?

This is why I have come to this personal belief of mine: God is in all things good.

When I look at my Daddy and think back on everything that he has done not just for our family but for other people as well, I see goodness. I see God. I see a father, a loving father. People always ask me why I believe in goodness and my answer (always my answer) is because I have experienced it. I have experienced acts of kindness and I loved it so much. I felt loved without judgment and it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

Today, I attended Bo Sanchez’s The Feast for the first time. My Kuya invited me because he knows that I have been trying to regain my spirituality. Admittedly, I was scared because I had this image inside my head that people would know that it’s my first time to attend and it would manifest based on how I act and react. When we got there I didn’t really have the time to think so I just ‘jumped’ in and enjoyed the feast.

There are two reasons why I enjoyed the Feast:

1.) The mass’ message was direct to the point.
2.) Bo Sanchez interpreted and dissected the Bible’s content and turned it into practical knowledge. Something you can apply in your everyday life.

What did I learn today then?
Here’s the no bullshit stuff and more:

1.) Choose to be good. Choose joy. Your happiness depends on you. We always have a choice! So make intelligent choices.

2.) Passion + Potential + Purpose = your formula to a successful and happy LIFE 🙂

Acknowledge your strength and be the best at it. Be a Superstar. Concentrate on what you are good at and never stop aiming for your goal.

Great Sunday. Next week I am hoping to learn more from the Feast.

Cheers to a deeper sense of spirituality and to believing in goodness.

Happy Sunday kids! 🙂

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