Expectations vs Reality and Why My Memory Doesn’t Serve Me Right

The Simple Truth: We will grow out of our old selves.

That’s just the way it is. Whether I like it or not, the Pao today won’t be the Pao tomorrow. For those who know me personally, they know that I give high value to self-improvement. Motivated people motivate me to become better everyday. Strong people make me stronger. I will always be in love with passionate people.

My Personal Realization: I will not wait for people to grow up. 

Up to a certain point, you will realize that it is not your responsibility to teach people about motivation and passion. After all, these are things we will learn on our own. Since we live different lives, some people are lucky to have found their passion earlier than others. For some, they spend their whole lives looking for it but die without finding whatever it was that they were looking for.

My Expectations vs The Reality of it All: I cannot trust my memory. It doesn’t serve me right.

I have been trying to form images of all things good and beautiful inside my head because I am a positive person. I actually learned to be positive, mind you. I always try to see the good in the bad (as people would say and often comment about) but I admit there are times when I think and admit to myself that I maybe wrong. I do not have a hold on certain things. I can only hope. I can only expect things to happen which may never will. My point is, I am done with my memory telling me that things will turn out the way I hoped it would be. Life isn’t like that.

I will never meet Edward Norton. I may never participate in an actual Fight Club (even if I want to, where do I find these people? They shouldn’t be talking.) Milan Kundera is not my soulmate (even if I always thought he talked to me in his novels). Murakami will not accept me as his bestfriend. He will think that I am clingy (a first for me) and pathetic (because I would tell him that he used a part of my life in one of his stories). I am not crazy, this you should believe. I have accepted the fact that I am never going to be any of the things I mentioned above.

I have to stop relying on memories. I end up thinking that my life is a novel and every song ever written was for me.

Sweeping Declaration: Memories serve their purpose. Starting today, I will enjoy my Life. No more dreaming of the past. No more clinging to the memory. 

Cross posting from my Multiply Blog (more to come)

An excerpt from my March 22, 2009 post entitled “Dear Mr. Bukowski at 12:26 am you managed to keep me awake.”

“Nobody But You”
Charles Bukowski

Nobody can save you but
yourself.
You will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
They will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

Nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
Just watch them.
Listen to them.
Do you want to be like that?
A faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
Do you want to experience
death before death?

Nobody can save you but
yourself
and you’re worth saving.
It’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

Think about it.
Think about saving your self.

At this hour, when I’m supposed to just give up, I ran into this poem and then everything seems light again.

Bed Weather Playlist

Ahh, bed weather. I am pretty sure we all have our own music playlists.

Here’s my current playlist (in no particular order):

1.) The Plain White T’s – All That We Needed
2.) Smoking Popes – Need You Around
3.) Rooney – When Did Your Heart Go Missing?
4.) Jack’s Mannequin – Bruised
5.) Nada Surf – If You Leave
6.) Balance and the Traveling Sound – Something About Us
7.) Elvis Costello – I Want You
8.) Fiona Apple – I Know
9.) Foo Fighters – Virginia Moon
10.) Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Hysteric
11.) Death Cab for Cutie – What Sarah Said
12.) Death Cab for Cutie – Title and Registration
13.) Stars – Your Ex-lover is Dead
14.) Sufjan Stevens – To Be Alone With You
15.) Imogen Heap – Goodnight and Go

What’s in your playlist? 🙂